so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
