I am midnight drunk by noon
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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