Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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