hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
