The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
