And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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