I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
