I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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