Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
