My Higher Power is John Stamos
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize