and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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