those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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