so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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