In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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