I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Randomize
