the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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