Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
