my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize