Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
