I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I did not marry a roomba.
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