Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
