Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
