Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
