Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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