you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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