Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
