God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
