i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
