I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
