Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
