I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
FUCK WHALES
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
