So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
