peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She needs sedatives and a leash
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
