sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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