he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
