Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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