one word: firstdatebathroomanal
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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