I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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