Im at strip club and am horny
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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