I am in a vortex of obligation.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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