the condom got lost in my hair
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
