We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
