Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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