Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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