When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
