I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
