i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
