i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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