seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My cat gives me a boner
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
