I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
