I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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