it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize