my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
