you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize