i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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