How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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