dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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