i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
