omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
