Screwed.edu
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
