He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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