I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
