You're so nebulous sometimes
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
