My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
4 words: hood of his car
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I currently don't understand fingers.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
