I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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