I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize